People nod their head when I use the word boundaries, like they know exactly what I mean. But when I ask the question, “Who knows how to set a healthy boundary and change their habits?” very few people will say yes.
Instead, they talk about slipping into poor habits without meaning to, or how infuriated they become with themselves for not sticking to intentions for healthy digital use and therefore being able to do the things they really want to do.
How Do You Know You Need a Boundary With Tech?
Resentment. Feeling resentment is known as the early sign of needing to set a boundary. We begin to resent the person or environment for taking up our time or that we’re doing something we really don’t want to do.
When it comes to relational boundaries, we often forget that other people in our lives are not aware of the vision we’ve created for our life and are just doing what they do — they don’t know that there is a negative impact on our health or focus.
Resentment is an initial clue that gives us information; it tells us we need a boundary to protect our time, emotions, focus or resources. Once we recognize this feeling for what it is, we then need space to consider what boundary we need and, crucially, how to communicate it effectively so we’re more likely to reap the benefits.
We often skip this last step and then become frustrated that our boundary is not respected — but we never told anyone about it.
When Should You Set Tech Boundaries for Yourself?
When it comes to digital boundaries, you will probably already know if you need one. You may wake up exhausted because you stayed up late doing something pointless online, you may work on holidays or find it hard to relax even if you do have time off, you may feel lonely, restless, irritable or frazzled. Your habits may be negatively impacted, such as your health, meaningful connections or finances.
We are wise to set boundaries early on rather than wait for the extremes of addiction to set in and yet, with the fast pace of digital change it can be difficult to just have a fixed boundary that stays static from now until forever. Your boundaries might be just fine until you’re exhausted, upset or triggered and then suddenly it seems they fly out the window.
Another clue that you need to review your boundaries is your mental health. Are you experiencing low mood, depression, anxiety or burnout? Are you wondering if it’s really to do with work or your digital health overall: meeting culture, negative news, being always on, distraction, addiction, information overload?
If any of these feel true for you and you’ve assessed where you’re at in life, it’s time to think about the boundaries that are personal to you that you want to set.
Be Fully Honest With At Least 1 Person
This is why thriving in a digital world takes radical honesty. Only you know the full extent of the pull it has on you, so the first step is radical honesty and a healthy dose of self-compassion. When it comes to boundaries, you may have all the tactics in the world and yet still find yourself stuck and feeling ashamed that you just can’t stick to them.
Knowing the machine is set up to keep us there can help us with self-compassion and a realization that we may need an honest community to help us live differently. This is the main power of any type of addiction recovery group — being honest with others.
The trick is to find your honesty tribe. This can be one person or more, it can be someone you live with or a work colleague — the steps for setting boundaries will still apply, it may just feel a bit like a roller coaster at first as you work towards finding your equilibrium and, crucially, keeping your why in place. There is a full and rich life that will be missed if you’re hiding out, whatever that looks like to you.
So Let’s Set Some Digital Boundaries
Boundaries are deeply personal and simply take full honesty and a knowledge that they will take time, failure and resets to get right. It’s about using your growth mindset to understand who you are, remain compassionate for your humanity and continue to step up and work towards the vision of your life.
Here’s an example of my imperfect boundaries that enable me to create space to invest in the vision for my life:
- I turn off all notifications and remove social media apps from my phone. This means I can be more intentional about when I access social media.
- I turn off noises, pings and most sounds from my desktop, laptop and phone. Sounds trigger my nervous system in a way that affects my survival fight or flight response, so I am careful to have pleasant sounds on my alarm and WhatsApp and everything else like Slack or email switched off.
- I rarely watch the news — and I definitely do not have a news app or notifications of any kind on my laptop, desktop or phone. I protect myself from clickbait and negative news by only accessing news on my own timetable from validated sources. You may find this is too extreme but for me it’s essential.
- I prioritize connection and movement so that my life is rich, full and fulfilling. This might mean spending time researching events that bring me joy online but making sure I show up IRL.
- I try to consciously leave my phone in a bag or pocket when out with friends. I’ve actually learned this one the hard way by asking for feedback from my friends who highlighted that my phone was slipping into my relationships in a way that made them feel devalued. I have to keep revisiting this boundary as it tends to slip if I’m not careful.
- I will often leave my phone at least a metre away from me when I’m with family members. This seems like a silly tactic to some but remember I’m on the addiction end of the continuum, so I need to take drastic measures to curb my digital usage in order to stay present with people I love.
- I create regular space for reflection by journaling or walking where I can remind myself of what matters, the vision for my life and then revisit the boundaries that are in my control in a world of change and uncertainty.
These boundaries are personal to me and not a one-size-fits-all, but they may help you begin to think about the digital boundaries you need to begin or revisit.
Ask yourself, what boundaries do I want to set or remind myself of in order to invest in the vision for my life?
This edited extract from Digital Wellbeing by Petra Velzeboer is ©2025 and reproduced with permission from Kogan Page Ltd.
